I took a break from my family IV

Half of my head managed to surface above the ocean of depression I was blanketed in for 3 weeks, I finally was able to process my thoughts and feelings. As much as I did not want to come out of my isolation, just as my siblings face came rushing forth during times I came close to letting go, it was thoughts of them that gave me the push to let go of not myself but of my isolation. Probably because when I look at them, I am subconsciously seeing myself. I do not want them to have the looks and feeling of despair and neglect I had growing up. For a significant portion of my life, I had no one.

With everything I have history will not rewrite itself. As I write the prose of my plunder and rise, I write myself into their corners, a guide sometimes unwanted and sometimes wanted, I commit myself to being there for them till I no longer need to, becoming a butterfly that greets them once in a while.

When I encouraged myself to go see them again, I was flummoxed with feelings of anxiety as I got on the bus, knocked on their door and was greeted by the fresh faces of the two youngest. I felt awkward. It seemed I was on pause yet they had moved on. I chuckled inwardly. That was reassuring. Eventually I got over my awkwardness and asked them excitedly how they have been. How are classes? What have they been up to? While the response on online schooling was lackluster, they had much more to share on the other questions.

It was a battle of the mightiest with tears as I felt warmed up in my heart. I realized how much I had missed them so. I felt alive again. I felt purposeful. Towards the end of my visit I felt mentally exhausted being overly stimulated, I gave my ‘see you again’, rushed to the bus, blasted my music willing myself to zone in on that completely, rushed to my house, washed my hands, hurried to my room, and dove under my duvet.

Soon I felt all my senses give leave to calming. You are safe Selina. I tell myself. You are safe.

My family as hard as it is to admit, might not be the healthiest people for me. In many ways so toxic. I, myself, was that person as well and at times I still am. Through multiple talks and interactions, I’ve seen growth, reflections, accountability with all of us. I see them becoming better. I see the younger ones dreams and hopes and can only fan them towards it. They still have so much to learn in order to become better human beings and I want to help them. Occasionally I get images of myself haughtily looking the grown version of the kids in the eye saying, “Yeah, you can thank me for that.” It’s always hilarious to picture it so I laugh but it fills me with so much joy and excitement when I picture my siblings future self just being beautiful and good human beings.

I do not expect nor do I want my siblings to become carbon copies of me, but I am always conscious of the choices and actions I make around them. As much as it can be burdening, they do look up to me. If I do not set examples and be there for them like the adults in our lives, they will be wronged horribly. They will grow up as individuals with occasional sound educational rebukes, my conditional support, as long as I see circumstances won’t harm anyone, and unconditional love.

Would I fault myself for leaving them if I chose to? No I would not. I would hug myself harder for the immense pain I would have set myself up for. And for the struggle in finding new purpose to living. For now I cannot see my purpose of living beyond my family, my country, my Earth. It’s very possible to find a new purpose(s) but that also depends on whether I have the capacity and will to find it.

But take a break when you need it. It is one of the most unselfish things you can do for yourself. Hug yourself tighter. Love yourself more fiercely.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s