I took a break from my family II

I am often schooled by family members to indeed forgive and forget. After all, am I not Christian? And I wish they would not.

Because that is the last thing I want to hear from them. I want to hear, “I am sorry. Thank you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I love you. It must have been so hard. I’ve wronged you. You’ve done so well. You’ve worked too hard.”

If I was incapable of forgiving, I would still call you by your names. Not Mama. Not Baba. I would not ask if you are feeling better now after couple weeks of no words from you. After you said said you are disowning me. And you tell me, I will understand once I have my own children. I will say things to them out of anger without meaning them. I wanted to say I know. Even in my anger and deepest sorrows, you all are still foremost. Words I spew in anger and pain, I apologize for and explain my side. I do not disown and ignore for a period of time. Or threaten to cut me off from everybody.

If I was incapable of forgiving,  I would not be apologizing like a broken record. Even if I was not at fault. But I want to humble myself to all of you so you can learn to humble yourself and see the importance of apologizing and communicating. I would not think of your wellbeing after you just said scathing words to me dear sister. “Unlike you, they actually got raped. You only got kissed in the fucking cheeks.” Words I would never fathom saying to you myself. The number of times I have been lied to, emotionally manipulated, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally abused. Yet I am still here. I am still here. Talking, hugging, cuddling, kissing, sharing, and caring for and with all of you.

I look at my family and relatives. I often shake my head their hypocrisy. They tell me to forgive and forget because God says so. As easy as that. Yet I see 5 years has gone by and they are still not in good terms with their first cousin. They will not allow their children to play with their in-laws kids.

Despite everything, I have never thought of leaving them. When I think I cause them pain, it brings me immense pain. Recently, I thought why do I not take a break then? But even venturing into that was incredibly hard. What if they get hurt thinking I am leaving them? That I no longer care for them? So I put it off until I simply could not.

I am currently in an internal battle of who I am without my family. Even writing this question sounds ominous and painful. It sounds incredibly selfish and callous. Which might even be a whole lot better for myself. But it is not an option I am ready to explore yet.

Every time I fail to, unable to, to provide for my family, I feel completely worthless. To fail them makes me feel useless. I cannot fail them as they have failed me. The pain is simply too great. On an impulse, I send out the texts to my family. My mental health worsening. Every time I get a call or texts, I am besieged in anxiety. What do I need to solve now? What does your incredibly resourceful sister and daughter have to fix now? I know it is from them and though the conversations would sometimes turn humorous, my first instinct is to be weary and protect myself.

Do I feel horrible for thinking such thoughts? Yes I do. I am a bad person. Yet I also feel that I need to feel sorry for myself to. Protect myself in order to uphold my promise. Looking at myself objectively, I am devaluing myself. And I should not. I deserve more. But that was not how I was taught. I was taught to put others before myself. Specifically family.

Few days in, I realized my sister’s birthday and Mother’s Day was coming up soon but then I will not be able to communicate with them. To be honest, I thought this is my time to be petty. To be inconsiderate and mean. Let them think I actually forgot about them and did not care enough to come out of my break to at least wish them Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day.

Couple days after their special days, their presents delivered and still no word from me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s